The Magic Within

 I recently had a conversation with my sister. She and I are able to communicate most things going on in our lives. our own therapists.  She knows the stuff I believe in and I know not to mention more than is needed because I know that she believes there is only black and only white. No in between. But I can't believe that, ok ok, yes there is black and there is the white but I believe that I tend to live mostly in the gray and that's what makes life, hard because even though we set boundaries, these boundaries don't exist in the gray area. Being in the gray area, is where I can find myself, growth, soul searching.  Mental health issues are really predominant in our family ; as I was mentioning to her, (and in front of Bill) when I first started taking medications, I thought I was the only one. As I opened up to various family members I came to the realization I was not the only one, and that I was actually late to the Xanax party. I feel for the girls, the pandemic ...

Thoughts can become matter, and intuition.  My husband heard snickering, chortles, snorts, ok ok, my kind of person, remarks as I listened to the latest video with Caitlin. (I had my headset on) insights for myself. I hate change, I probably have only had a change of guards (guides) less times than most .but I do feel myself accepting certain changes. We tend to have such a high sense of I've probably had a white lighter for most of my life, self doubt was instilled in my from early on, and as I became stronger, so a stronger white lighter came along each time. They made me feel so guilty when I didn't follow through what they kept putting into my head. so much the guilt would eat at me. I tend to have such a high sense of justice, I question it, but I can't change it. I call myself old school, but its something more isn't it. Truth seeking, soul seeking, dancing with light/sound. Bridges to the beyond.They sound and are accepted as affirmations of myself. I have alwa...

At my happy place, the coast, I sit alone at the dining table in front of the window that shows me the light from the awakening dawn,  watching the light start peaking over the gray misted waters. The windows are closed, but  I can still hear the crashing waves as If I were sitting among the rocks. I sit there contemplating if I could do this everyday. And the answer is yes. For so long, that I can remember, I have always works, there was always that ultimate finish to go for, a check, an extra hour off for later. But those rewards no longer have as much hold on me. I long for the times I can wake up without thinking I have overslept, or if I didn't sleep wake up like a grumpy bear for the rest of the day . Right now I should still be nestled in the warm blankets, but years of workings have trained no lollygagging. More so lately,  my body has said more than ever,  you need to do more for yourself.  I have always searched for validation,  validation is no l...

Realizations left and right... I can say so much has happened, but yet it doesn't seem like it has. It depends on who comes into our lives and what they say, how they resonate with our us inside us.  Covid, wow, it hasn't hit us here in California, to the health of my family but Mando in Utah, got hit, and much worse than he let on according to Sam. He worries about us the way we worry about him. He's my boy, and he will forever be my little alf man.    I'm like a crazed bee, hovering here and there to the sweeter smelling flowers and the glittery jewels in the garden. Yes sometimes I feel like I'm drowning into myself. I don't know where to turn who to talk to. There really is no one I can express , unload myself.  Last night: I went to sleep woke up at 3:00 AM , instead of worrying why I'm awake I just stay away watch tv and eventually make my way back to bed. Yesterday I found a video that I had heard about and watched most of it, It left me with a lot of...