The Magic Within

Dear me, I am sorry. I’m sorry that you tried so desperately to fix others when your own hands were shaking. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else whilst your own were bleeding. I’m sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I’m sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to people that didn’t give the same amount back. I’m sorry that there were nights when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. And I am so sorry that I did not love you Like you deserved to be loved. – Inner Rambling Not my words but I can so relate. Holding back the tears, or laughing it off like the words or actions didn't break your heart, Pretending that everything was ok and that you didn't need to step back and try to pick up the pieces of your life, of your broken heart. You kept going, because you didn't want people to see tha...

1/29/18 My dad passed 12 years ago, my mom 9. Both relationships weren't easy. My dad and mother lived in an abusive struggle  when he was drinking, which seemed to be all the time. When you are children, living around this kind of atmosphere, it's normal. you don't know a different way. There's many ways to be abusive, verbal mental, physical, negligence and it all leaves a scar, some deeper than others. My mother one day turned into someone we didn't know. Whether it was from what she suffered at the hands of my father probably did contribute, but as I grew I realized too my mom wasn't a nice person either, she had her own issues. I am the middle child, out of 4. The oldest a boy, the brilliant one, than me, then my sister 3 years younger who was the baby and then little brother born 7 years later, now he was the baby. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, some have memories of me that I don't remember. What I can remember is that my mother loved ...

I have lived next to my childhood home probably 30 of my 56 years. I had relationships moved away, came back home and then left again.  It's not much to look at really. A one bedroom little cabin of sorts. Parents on a hideaway bed in living room  and the kids in the bedroom, boys on one side and girls on the other. Until my older brother built an little outside room where the boys finally ended up staying.  Step up to kitchen, claw footed tub. My parents have both since passed and even they had a draw to this little place, even divorcing, my mother rented the place next to the home , because she couldn't trust my dad to water her plants so for 3 years this was their routine. When we visited, we had to make sure we visited both parents. It was  a bit awkward at times.  My dad passed away and 5 years later my mother passed as well. We had been living in an apartment but still came over to make sure the house was secure . We noticed the house was still f...