The Magic Within

 Been going to al-Anon meetings, as support for my son, who is in a pain right now that nobody can touch but himself and his "girlfriend". Today after two conversations with him, about going to a noon meeting. That I would pick him up and take him. I arranged to take time off, drove across town and he was still asleep. I was angry for a moment, and knew that my anger would only hurt me, I was ready to just go back to work, and thought, no, I took the time off, I can still go to the meeting and I'm glad I did. Listening to the comments of everyone, the sharing of their lives their journey.  Today the conversation was about relationships and the family dynamic. I was listening to one woman talk about her children now, and how she described them, micro-managing, everything has to be exact. How when her babies were born, there was no maternal instinct. It was raise them till they are 18, strong ready to take on the world. Oh, crap that's me! and it hit me, I am the daught...

 It's been a while since I've been on here, on anywhere. It's almost like talking about my deep pain, inner child stuff, would be too painful, like the wind over an open wound. Third time talking to Jessica, she's been on point with Mando stuff, I want to say a lot of it, I was already aware because I am so aware. Mando is happy, at peace, that is what I want to know over and over. Life was so hard for him here, I remember telling him, God loves you why can't you love yourself. His poor mind just was in too much pain to understand the path he was going on and then it was too late.  Yesterday, she told me he is at peace, happy that I am picking up most of his signs for me, to continue in what I am doing. Continuing to honor him in what I do. I will manifest things, and when it happens, I am in stunned silence because part of me doesn't believe I actually did it. When I should have so much faith that I can do anything. A bird sign is coming. Mando very proud of Tr...

 20 years ago, my son left California to find a better future than what he saw ahead of him here. He ended up in Utah. And now he is back, a troubled young man, an alcoholic. I knew he drank; I knew he had relationship problems. The depth of issues was hidden from me (and I probably had my head in the sand, not wanting to know) Traci knew, she told Bill; the girlfriend shared with her pretty much everything. So, after his girlfriend kicked him out, he has come home. Because Traci knew what was going on, she was farther ahead emotionally. The drinking, the narcissist relationship that has gone on for years, and by what it sounds like, is still going on, even though they have said the words, we are not together right now. I listen to what Traci says, but she doesn't understand that I didn't have time to process, didn't get to have that knowledge to prepare, to I'm supposed to just jump in be ready to handle everything. Not to take things personally. She had Zach, she has ...

 So I'm trying to get back into the meditation, listening to Caitlin and Violet do their thing, my mind space is totally somewhere else right now. It feels like the world is a snow globe and I keep shaking it , watching the snow, it never falls into the same place twice. I'm not part of this world. I'm constantly looking, looking for my place in there yet I can't find it. I can play the part but those who know me, know that something within me isn't right.  I was sitting in the tub trying to relax, because they say that is the best time, to put out intentions as we are "naked' and open. I asked for continue guidance, love and grace, for myself and those around me. What did I need to do to keep going. And I sat there with my eye closed, trying to drown out the sounds of the television, the neighbors, till there is only silence. What happened once was, I was so Zen I actually fell asleep for a few minutes, I scared myself so I try not to do that .  I'm si...

 I recently had a conversation with my sister. She and I are able to communicate most things going on in our lives. our own therapists.  She knows the stuff I believe in and I know not to mention more than is needed because I know that she believes there is only black and only white. No in between. But I can't believe that, ok ok, yes there is black and there is the white but I believe that I tend to live mostly in the gray and that's what makes life, hard because even though we set boundaries, these boundaries don't exist in the gray area. Being in the gray area, is where I can find myself, growth, soul searching.  Mental health issues are really predominant in our family ; as I was mentioning to her, (and in front of Bill) when I first started taking medications, I thought I was the only one. As I opened up to various family members I came to the realization I was not the only one, and that I was actually late to the Xanax party. I feel for the girls, the pandemic ...

Thoughts can become matter, and intuition.  My husband heard snickering, chortles, snorts, ok ok, my kind of person, remarks as I listened to the latest video with Caitlin. (I had my headset on) insights for myself. I hate change, I probably have only had a change of guards (guides) less times than most .but I do feel myself accepting certain changes. We tend to have such a high sense of I've probably had a white lighter for most of my life, self doubt was instilled in my from early on, and as I became stronger, so a stronger white lighter came along each time. They made me feel so guilty when I didn't follow through what they kept putting into my head. so much the guilt would eat at me. I tend to have such a high sense of justice, I question it, but I can't change it. I call myself old school, but its something more isn't it. Truth seeking, soul seeking, dancing with light/sound. Bridges to the beyond.They sound and are accepted as affirmations of myself. I have alwa...