Healing

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 It's been a while since I've been on here, on anywhere. It's almost like talking about my deep pain, inner child stuff, would be too painful, like the wind over an open wound.

Third time talking to Jessica, she's been on point with Mando stuff, I want to say a lot of it, I was already aware because I am so aware. Mando is happy, at peace, that is what I want to know over and over. Life was so hard for him here, I remember telling him, God loves you why can't you love yourself. His poor mind just was in too much pain to understand the path he was going on and then it was too late. 

Yesterday, she told me he is at peace, happy that I am picking up most of his signs for me, to continue in what I am doing. Continuing to honor him in what I do. I will manifest things, and when it happens, I am in stunned silence because part of me doesn't believe I actually did it. When I should have so much faith that I can do anything. A bird sign is coming. Mando very proud of Traci and how we continue to include this friends in our lives. I remember at GriefShare I expressed how much I appreciated them. That when I see their faces I stare into him, looking for him, a reflection of him. 👀

Asked why I don't have my mom/dad come through. She said my mom is there, giving me the time with Mando, but that she is with him all the time, being soft and loving. I agreed that was her baby. That I had to learn that she was human and had issues as well. That the gruff exterior she carried was her shield to being hurt again. And that I can understand, but we were her children, I never felt love extended to me, not the way it was to Louis or Mary or Johnny. I was that middle child, that was overlooked and made to feel of little or no value. 💊

I am very glad that I have a family that is understanding and wants to know where my thinking is, which for a while I really wouldn't say a lot because everyone is so strong minded. I look at the picture I have of all of us, and I always think, these are the women that raised me. 👭

I'm glad that I have that support, to back me up when I don't think I have the strength, that reminder, I am made of stronger stuff. 💪

I remember talking to Pastor Steve about the need for grief group, that community even if it just to listen to each other, we don't need a format, just a willing ear. I look forward to sharing my story in hopes that it will help someone else heal even it is just a little bit. 🙏🙏🙏🙏



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