From The Tub

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 So I'm trying to get back into the meditation, listening to Caitlin and Violet do their thing, my mind space is totally somewhere else right now. It feels like the world is a snow globe and I keep shaking it , watching the snow, it never falls into the same place twice. I'm not part of this world. I'm constantly looking, looking for my place in there yet I can't find it. I can play the part but those who know me, know that something within me isn't right. 


I was sitting in the tub trying to relax, because they say that is the best time, to put out intentions as we are "naked' and open. I asked for continue guidance, love and grace, for myself and those around me. What did I need to do to keep going. And I sat there with my eye closed, trying to drown out the sounds of the television, the neighbors, till there is only silence. What happened once was, I was so Zen I actually fell asleep for a few minutes, I scared myself so I try not to do that .  I'm sitting there , and sitting there and it actually does become quiet. 

I throw on a sleeping dress and a dressing gown (because I get cold easy). I went into the bedroom and grabbed a deck of cards. 

I drew 5 cards and try to do as I was told too, first look at the picture, what comes to mind, what do I see, what feelings do I get. I wasn't in the mind frame to do that, or it could be that I wasn't trusting myself at that moment.

All the cards I drew were about control, (again) and because I constantly second myself, was I allowing myself to be controlled, was I being the puppet master. was I going with the flow because that is what was being expected of me? Were the cards telling me that I have always been in control and it has been my choice not to take that control, not take that power because I was told I couldn't handle it, that I would fail. That comes back to my inner child. The child that was always told to be quiet, stay in the corner, not to be a bother. Even as an adult now, am I being quiet? Trying not to be a bother? 

I created boundaries for the inner child, that inner me, so she wouldn't get hurt and now those boundaries are holding her back from being in the here. I just heard today. "Its okay to step forward, and be bold and try. You can't hurt something that wasn't meant for you in the first place." But do those words include being in a world full of a virus that is wiping out so many people? There's no discrimination, vaccinated, not vaccinated.  All we can do is try to keep our hands clean, stay away from large crowds, even if at times that large crowd is our families. 

So into the tub I will go to find that moment of peace, that moment of quiet.



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