MY HISTORY

In the first moments of finding love, there is excitement, your heart beats know your love is thinking of you too. The lights are brighter, a soft romantic song plays over and over in your head and heart. You think this is the one, he is perfect for me . The attraction grows everyday. He knows me, he understands me. he will love me forever. You can't stop smiling.  You get together and one day, you realize the music stopped, the lights dimmed and your hearts beats to think he is thinking of you. Somehow your world is what he says it is. You go where he says to go and talk to . He tears your gentle heart and brings you to tears. Only to build you up and knock you down again.  The world is against him, he has all the tough breaks. And somehow it becomes your problem.  With mere words he takes everything you've worked for and reduces it to dust. Takes your hard earned money , your keys and it's still not enough. You cut all you can and it's still not enough. It's like a hole you can't climb out of. And you think he will love me forever.  But the reason he does this, keeps you in control is because he knows you can go on without him. You can live without him, be with someone who will love you how you should be loved. Everyone can see you are unhappy, but don't say anything because you profess your love for him and keep defending him.

Oh wait, I'm sorry did you think I was talking about you? That I was breaking down your life? That I've been spying on you?  I should of said something sooner. I'm just recalling my own memories of when I was in that same situation.  I try to tell you but you don't believe me. You don't believe me because I am so happy now, I  have my life together and with someone that loves me, who wants to be in a committed equal union;we are partners in this relationship. We do for each other because we know we have love and respect for each other and what we have been through. 

He has isolated you from your family and friends, that's not love
His friends are now your friends, you don't need anyone else, that's not love
He keeps you from doing anything you enjoy, makes fun of it, that's not love
He ridicules your attempts to change him, or offer a different solution, that's not love
Doesn't care about your plans for your savings, he needs the money for what he wants, that's not love
He makes you cry when you are the littlest bit happy, he expects you to fix everything that has  gone wrong in this life. that's not love
You explain to everyone why he needs your car you are still paying for, and you have to walk and all he is doing is hanging out with his friends or sleeping the day away, that's not love
haven't you noticed that now that you are at his beck and call , all his health issues have changed?  That's not love
You start living this false life, pretending with a smile on your face to your family to your friends, to anyone that knows you and who might find out the truth, that's not love

Do you remember what I said , what finallly pushed me over the edge? When I found
myself defending him and explaining the way he treated me, the way he ignored my
child. And don't think that your child/children can't tell something is wrong. You are
no longer happy, they see the tracks of your tears.  You are harsh with you child because
you are fustrated, worried maybe even scared. They have to stay quiet because
he is sleeping. They don't want to go home. They feel the tension in the air, that is not a healthy place, there is no love. 

I got away, not without mental damage but I got away. And the anger inside me rose
for what I had allowed him to do to me. To make me think less of myself, think myself
worthless, that I have done nothing in life. That  I was all he needed when in truth all I was , was just a checkbook to him and his needs.To put him before my child and for that I will always regret.

Men like that are weak pathetic creatures. They are users , takers, abusers, bullshitters. They know exactly what you want to hear when you most need it.  I could go on and on but I tell you this; the one thing I learned, is THAT I AM STRONGER THAN HIM.  I ALWAYS WAS. I just allowed him to make me think differently. These weak men fear that, because they themselves are too lazy or arrorgant to try to fend for themselves. They know we will survive without them.

Maybe he is a good guy, maybe he has some redeeming qualities but how long are you going to wait to see them? Till you are beaten to the ground, and no longer care what happens to you? He maybe a good guy, but not the guy for you. You come from a line of strong women. Women with loving and giving hearts, and there in lies their problem, because they see this as a weakness. they do not realize once we reach our limit, hell will break loose. You have so much heart and strength, it's breaks our hearts to see if being abused.

I just tell you, if I haven't before, you can leave this situation, you have safe places, people who care and love you , all you have to do is ask for help. This is MY HISTORY and I tell you again because I love you and all we want for you is to be loved the way you should be, they way you deserve.